From Euripides

There you stand, in an elevator or in line at the post office, when a liberal decides to strike up a conversation with you. During the conversation, you hear some familiar words that refer to ideas like rights and freedom, but in context, they don't seem to make any sense to you. Never fear! I've compiled for you, gentle conservative, a list of the most frequently used terms in liberalspeak with their definitions. Learn these few terms and you will be on the path to understanding what your liberal friends are talking about.

I hope you find this list useful and a means of coming to greater understanding of the liberal left.

Abortion: The absolutely fundamental right of every women to choose. This right is the only one guaranteeing equality of the sexes and must be preserved at all costs. See Rights.

ACORN: A poor, benighted charitable agency that got mercilessly attacked by right wing nut jobs.

Anti-American: Anyone who doesn't agree with the current liberalized system of government. This includes anyone who agrees with capitalism, limited government and many democratic principles. See Mob.

Barack Obama: The only president who has ever had the capacity to selflessly change America into a Utopian state. If Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and the mob would only leave him alone, he could finally work out the solution to governmental perfection. See Glenn Beck. See Rush Limbaugh. See Mob.

Bible: An ancient document that has absolutely no connection with modern reality, especially morals and legal codes. See Religion.

Bill of Rights: An unknown and forgotten list of ideas which have no relationship to the modern vision of rights and freedoms. The Bill of Rights only gets in the way of such things as denegrating religion, gun control, and creating a statist federal government. The Bill of Rights, like other ancient documents such as the Bible, no longer serve any useful purpose. See Bible. See Constitution. See Rights.

Birthers: Uneducated idiots who will stop at nothing to attack Barack Obama. See Barack Obama.

Climate Change: The idea that if you rename something and broaden its definition to be all inclusive, despite any relation to reality, you can still tax it. See Global Warming. See Taxes.

Constitution: An old and outdated document that might have been good for something except for the enshrined dogmas of a past generation. It now has little relevance to a modern, sophisticated way of governing. See Rights.

Entitlements: See Rights.

Equality: The idea that individual rights must be suppressed and submit to the group mind. Anyone who disagrees with the correct group is considered anti-American or racist. See Anti-American. See Racist.

Fairness Doctrine: The idea that some media have an unfair advantage over other media because it is Anti-American. See Anti-American. See Glenn Beck. See Rush Limbaugh.

Feminist: Anyone who agrees that abortion is the absolutely fundamental right of every women to choose. Anyone, including women in power, who do not subscribe to absolute fundamental right of abortion are not considered feminists. See Abortion.

Fox News: A radical, right-wing media outlet, no better than the worst, hack blogging. No one worth knowing actually watches Fox, and those who do drink deeply of the Fox Kool-Aid. See Free Press. See News.

Freedom: The right to do what liberals want, when and where they want, with no regard to the rights of others, even to disagree. See Free Speech.

Free Press: The government subsidizing of media such as the New York Times or MSNBC, but not such media as Fox News. See Anti-American. See Fox News. See News.

Free Speech: The right, guaranteed by the Constitution, to intimidate anyone who disagrees with liberal doctrine. See Bill of Rights. See Politically Correct.

Gays: A group of people who self-identify according sexual preference, who only want to be treated as equals and to have their rights. See Equality. See LGBTQQ. See Marriage. See Rights.

Glenn Beck: Satan or the Great Evil One. See Anti-American. See Fairness Doctrine. See Rush Limbaugh.

Global Warming: The idea that a good crisis is worth all the taxes in the world. See Climate Change.  See Taxes.

Government: The only institution that can properly run a modern state. The more government, the better. Despite fear mongers, the American government can never turn against its people as long as liberals are in charge.

Greed: A human vice that occurs when they form corporations, but not, for example, when they are elected as a liberal to government office. Corporate owners are always greedy. Liberal politicians are always altruistic, working for the good of all people.

Hate Crimes: The idea that crimes committed against individuals of protected classes are more heinous than the same crimes committed against conservatives.

Healthcare: The government regulation and control of health-related industries such as insurance companies. See Government. See Greed.

 LGBTQQ: A community of gays and others who self-identify as protected class citizens to gain equality and rights. See Equality. See Gays. See Protected Class. See Rights.

Marriage: The union of any two people for the purposes of gaining equal rights and protected class status.  See Equality. See Gay. See Protected Class. See Rights.

Mob: Anyone who disagrees with modern liberalism and dares to speak up in a public forum. Most recently applied to those who spoke against healthcare. See Healthcare. See Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.

News: Anything said or implied by any news media except Fox News. For example, Balloon Boy and the death of Michael Jackson were news. The downfall of ACORN was not. See ACORN. See Fox News. See Free Press.

Politically Correct: A misnomer from the vast right wing conspiracy to discredit the only, true way for all Americans to think. See Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.

Protected Class: The concept that some people are born more equal under the law than others, because they believe in liberal doctrine and self-identify with a liberal group. See Equality.

Racism: Attacks on anyone who identifies with any special interest group or liberal belief, regardless of race, considered properly in favor with liberal doctrine. See Anti-American.

Religion: The freedom to believe in some sky-daddy, as long as such belief never enters into the public arena in any way, shape or form, since the Constitution guarantees a separation of church and state. See Bill of Rights. See Freedom.

Rich: A class of citizens who represent one of the major barriers to developing a Utopian society. This class must be taxed into extinction, unless, of course, the individuals adhere to liberal doctrine.

Rights: Any thought or action liberals deem appropriate to a shifting society, with no regard to Constitutional enumeration, or public opinion. Also, any number of government mandated expenses or entitlements. Recognition of such entitlements as rights is central to liberal doctrine. See Constitution.

Rush Limbaugh: Satan or the Great Evil One. See Anti-American. See Fairness Doctrine. See Glenn Beck.

Sensitivity Training: The idea that, if caught early enough, conservatives can be turned into liberals or at least to discover the homosexual hiding within.

Separation of Church and State: The enlightened interpretation of the outdated 1st Amendment to the Constitution. See Bill of Rights. See Constitution.

Sex Education: When taught in schools, this is only possible means for children to learn how to properly use condoms in the belief that there is such a thing as safe sex. Before sex education, all children were at the mercy of their parents to pass along incorrect sexual mores and attitudes. See Marriage.

Tax: Redistribution of wealth. A means of controlling corporate greed and the rich. See Greed. See Rich.

The One: See Barack Obama.

Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: A group of people who, if properly educated and who would give up religion, would become liberals. See Religion.